Don't Give Up On Me: A Mass Effect Story
by sciwrittermama13
Summary: "There is no Shepard with out Vakarian." Dive into the thoughts of Shepard as she heads into her final battle with the Reapers and discover what it meant to both her and Garrus to be separated for that pivotal moment. Sometimes goodbye is simply impossible.


Don't Give Up On Me: A Mass Effect Story

Shepard's boots hit the ground with a crunching finality. She turned once more to see the Normandy's great shuttle bay doors closing. There he stood, held standing by James, blood flowing down his armor in tiny rivers. She held his gaze trying to convey a million things with just a look. His visor was shattered, the display flickering in and out of power, making his intense stare dance wildly. At the last moment before the shuttle door closed him up away from her view, her attention was caught by his mouth. You wouldn't know it just by looking, but that mouth was soft, and managed to mold to her lips just right.

The wind from the Normandy's engines pushed her back into her heels, her red hair sweeping across her face. Yes, that last kiss, she thought as she closed her eyes against the hot wind, that's what she wanted to take with her into this battle. The way his mouth tasted, the way that beautiful mouth made hers tingle slightly as her body reacted to his alien physiology. Like lightning on her tongue, she thought, amused at her mind's ramblings.

A noise, rumbling like thunder, split the air. It was a noise you felt more than you heard, and she instinctively recoiled. Her rifle weighed heavily in her hands as she turned to face adversary. Harbinger rumbled again, as if he knew he had her attention now. She slung the gun up into attack position, the true bitter wind of the day rushing back against her, no longer abated by the Normandy's engines. She took a deep breath, her armor settling comfortably as she glared up into Harbinger's red optics. With a half menacing smile at the enormous creature she began her charge down the hill to the glowing transport beam where he stood guard.

She felt the thrill of battle sink into her bones as she ran. This was her element, this is what she was born to do. She had said her goodbye's and tied up her loose ends. Now she could focus solely on this finally battle and let the cards fall where they will, about getting out of it. She felt a slight tinge of hesitation about Garrus, but that was her safety zone. He was what was going to make her fight like hell to come out of this alive if possible.

Harbinger's red laser flashed beside her and she had a split second to roll quickly to the left tucking her rifle into her and bouncing back up again in full charge with out missing a beat. Further to the right she saw another soldier flash up in red, vaporized in an instant. She heard the screams of the dying all around her, mixed with the roar of battle cries. In her peripheral vision she spotted husks and fired off a quick burst of rounds in time to her heavy breathing. There was no time to stop, no time to take cover. She had to keep running for the beam, it was their only way to the Citadel. The only way to end this war. Out of the horde of soldiers they had making for the beam, one of them had to get it. She dodged the laser to the right, then again to left, laughing as her adrenaline surged brighter, all while firing a head shot into another husk.

She was almost there. So close that she knew Harbinger could not stop her now. Shepard felt the air shift and instinct made skip her stride. She looked up into the red optic of the giant mechanical beast above her as his sights bathed her in a bright red glow. She had a split second to scream a rather colorful curse before the beam hit her and the world went white.

Her ears rang, drowning out every other sound. The world swam in her vision, and blood fell into her eyes. She tore her helmet off to get at the irritating blood. Every inch of her hurt, but as her brain caught up with her the pain felt comfortable, it let her know she was still alive. Her armor was smoking, and her rifle was gone. Slowly she rolled to her knees, using all her strength to force her arms to push her body up off the hot fiery ground. Her knees and elbows locked, just barely keeping her from sinking back to the dirt. She would not crumble, she would get up. This would not be her grave! Get up! Her mind yelled to her body like it was one of her subordinates. It would obey her. Abstractly the blood falling from her head wound on to the ground distracted her, why was she out of Medi-gel?

Through the ringing she faintly heard the screams of Husks. She looked under her locked arm and saw three of them round out from the beam directly for her. Adrenaline kicked back through her veins and she gave a mighty shove against the ground, forcing her body up right. Her hand reached for her holstered pistol. She sighted and breathed out. Fire. Her legs pushed her up onto one knee, breath, fire again. With one last grunting shove she was on her feet, took another breath and fired again. The husks were down but their Marauder turned the corner.

The pain was suddenly over whelming her again, her vision threatening to swim as the blood rushed from her head. She thrust forward, not daring to quit. She sighted and fired the pistol again as her radio crackled to life announcing her men were retreating and she felt, more than saw, Harbinger rise from his position above her and fly away. A mighty battle cry ripped from her throat as she put another bullet into Marauder's skull. They could not retreat now! Her mind in a fiery daze she poured all her energy into her legs and ran for the beam.

"Wake up," the phrase echoed into her thoughts. Shepard inhaled deeply coughing up blood and agony. She opened her eyes and quickly shut them again as the world turn up on itself. She refused to do something as weak as throw up. The smooth floor felt nice and cool against her body as she lay there in the dark, her cheek pressed firmly into the chilled metal. It wasn't the same dark as before though, was it? She squeezed her eyes shut again at the confusing thought, what did she mean, before?

"Anderson?" she croaked out of her throat. Had Anderson been here? And the Illusive man? She took several deep breaths, the air felt peaceful and silent around her. Slowly she pushed her hands against the floor pushing up onto her knees, still not brave enough to open her eyes. It took all her will not to survey her surroundings for enemies. She had never felt so vulnerable. Yet, at the same time there was that peaceful silence around her.

Her stomach threatened to rebel at her movements, but she willed it to settle. As it obeyed, she opened her eyes very slowly. She was on the cold metal of the presidium. An ambient light was somewhere above her. Her breath began to come easier and she lifted up carefully, resting back with her knees under her. Her scorched armor creaked and whined at her. It sounded how she felt, broken and empty. Yet, her mind felt clouded and full; too full to catch what was being thought, too full to make connections between the neurons misfiring in her brain.

Shepard looked up suddenly lost in the heavenly expanse above. The starry expanse of space, as if laid at her feet, under the docked Crucible that was tied to the presidium by yet another energy beam. The Earth, the stars, the space battle raging between the reapers and the rest of the known galaxy. All of it on full display before her. She watched amazed as an alliance cruiser burst into a fiery explosion in front of her eyes, a Reaper tearing right through it and moving on to another target. She was dumbly transfixed, her mind emptied of all thought.

Suddenly the ambient light changed, catching her attention. She turned her heard in the direction of the light. It seemed to swirl from the very air around her, into the shape of a body, a boy of light. Suddenly the words that had echoed around her head came back to her, 'wake up,' he had told her.

"What?" She asked groggily, "Where am I?"

"The citadel," the boy told her frankly, "It's my home." His bright eyes looked up at her, as he were looking through right her while his voiced lingered and echoed around the immense space. He felt so familiar to her.

"Who are you?" she questioned him, trying to be suspicious, trying to stay on her toes, although she was also finding it increasingly hard to care.

"I am the catalyst," his tone was condescending in his affirmation. She wanted to smirk, so he was cocky, she thought.

"I thought the citadel was the catalyst."

"No," the boy shook his head, the light swirling and crackling, "The citadel is a part of me."

Shepard took a deep breath trying desperately to sort her thoughts into words through the mental fog. "I need to stop the Reapers; can you help me?"

"Perhaps," again this light being was being condescending and she felt irritation stir inside herself. "I control the reapers," he told her as if it was nothing. He turned and walked away from her stating, "They are my solution."

Anger flared inside her, but the fog inside her brain made it difficult stay focused on that anger. She shook her head, "Solution?" she asked taking several pained steps after the light boy. Who the hell was he? Why did he feel familiar? "To what?" was all she asked instead.

The boy stopped and turned to look back at her, "Chaos." He stated simply. The he turned and began walking toward the Beam. She followed, limping after him, reluctantly enthralled by his echoing voice. "The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening, a way to restore order."

"By wiping out organic life," she retorted, her anger helping her yet focus again.

" _No_ , we harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone," he turned to look at her once again, "Just as we left _your_ people alive the last time we were here." It seemed like he wanted a thank you from her for his thoughtfulness, so she glared back at him.

"But you killed the rest!"

"We _helped_ them ascended," he rationalized, "so they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form."

"I think we would rather keep our form," I rolled my eyes.

" _No_ ," he interjected forcefully, "You can't." I could hear the emotion, the anger or, perhaps fear, behind the rational tone. "Without us to stop it, Synthetics would destroy all Organics. We've created the cycle so that never happens, that's the solution."

Shepard wanted to sit, the fog inside her brain felt thicker as she tried to reason on what this thing was telling her. But Synthetic's and Organic's had achieved peace! She thought of the Quarrian's and the Geth, working and living together. She put her hand up to her head, trying to sort it all out. Who the hell was this kid?

"You said you're the Catalyst," she blurted out, trying to sort the fragments of her mind, but he had also just said ' _we've_ created the cycle. Was he a reaper? "What are you?" She eyed the boy sidelong, now sure she couldn't trust him.

"A construct," he told her, seemingly unperturbed, "An intelligence designed eons ago to solve a problem. I was created to bring balance, to be the catalyst for peace between Organics and Synthetics."

"So, you're just an A.I.?" She shook her head, now even more confused.

"In as much as you are just an animal," his condescending tone was back and for a moment she felt a connection made in her brain. She had heard that condescension before in Sovereign and Harbinger. Shepard narrowed her eyes at the boy of light. "I embody," he continued proudly, "the collective intelligence of all Reapers."

"But you were created," Shepard reasoned.

"Correct," he told her almost reluctantly.

"By who?" she asked, though she was beginning to guess the answer.

"By ones who recognized that conflict would always arise between Synthetics and Organics," the boy evaded. "I was first created to oversee the relations between Synthetic and Organic life, to establish a connection. But our efforts always ended in conflict, so a new solution was required."

Shepard knew where this was going, "The Reapers?"

"Precisely," the boy told her as if praising a student for understanding a lesson.

Shepard glared at the boy, her anger at the boys condescending attitude sharpening her mind. "I met your creators," she told him, watching for any sign of surprise, "They told me what you did to them."

"We did as we were expected," the construct stressed, a little to forceful.

"They said you betrayed them! That you turned them into Harbinger!"

"When they asked that I solve the problem of conflict they failed to understand they were part of the problem themselves," the boys light grew brighter as the irritation in his voice became clear. "The flaws of their organic reasoning could not perceive this. They lacked the foresight to understand their destruction was part of the very solution they required."

"Well…" Shepard began, understanding slowly falling into place, this was her true adversary, this was the enemy of the galaxy right here before her. Another neuron clicked into place with connection, he was the boy from Vancouver! "…They've joined this war now."

"And I welcome their involvement," peeling off that layer of anonymity with ease. He knew that I recognized my enemy. "I am only facilitating their request." There it was, the constructs so perfect reasoning. But Shepard wasn't buying it now.

"How do the Reapers solve anything?" She'd had enough, it was time for real answers.

"Organics create Synthetics to improve their own existence, but those improvements have limits. To exceed those limits, Synthetics must be allowed to evolve. They must, by definition, surpass their creators. The result is conflict, destruction, chaos. It is inevitable. Reapers harvest all life, Organic and Synthetic, preserving them before they are forever lost to this conflict."

Shepard threw her hand up into the sky at the silent battle waging around them, "We are at war with the Reapers right now!" His twisting words were not going to cloud her brain anymore!

"You may be in conflict with the Reapers," his condescension back, his voice slick with it, "But they are not _interested_ in war." His tone told her that the Reapers were above such trivial things as war with the Humans and the other species. But Shepard knew better than that. She had personally struck fear into the Reapers on several occasions. She smiled to herself, she had wounded that pride.

"I find that hard to believe," she told the construct.

"When fire burns, is it at war? Is it in Conflict? Or is it simply doing what it was created to do? We are no different." Bullshit, Shepard thought. How many times had the Reapers shown their affinity for the work they do? Through their indoctrination, in their high and mighty speeches to her personally. This has been more than just doing a job for them. In as much as it has been deeply personal for her. "We harvest your bodies," he continued, "your knowledge, your creations. We preserve it, to be reborn in the form of a new reaper. Like a cleansing fire, we restore balance. New life both organic and synthetic can once again flourish."

Shepard shook her head, damn it he was making sense again. The fog was back. She needed to get back to the meat of things before the fog over took her. There was no use arguing with something who thought it was right. "What about the crucible?" she asked.

"It is a crude yet effect and adaptive device to release a tremendous amount of energy throughout the galaxy. We first noted the concept for the device several cycles ago. With each passing cycle the design has no doubt evolved."

"Why didn't you stop it?"

"We believed the concept had been eradicated. _Clearly_ ," his tone growing irritated and reluctantly impressed, "organics are more resourceful that we realized." Shepard blinked incredulously at the construct. The fog cleared away from her mind, as if running away from the light illuminating her brain. She half smiled again, you messed up, she thought to herself, your fallibility is showing. The construct, the boy of light, eyed her suspiciously.

"The fact that you are standing here, the first organic, proves that my solution won't work anymore." Shepard rocked back on her heels, she wasn't expecting that. Oh, so suddenly, she thought to herself, only moments ago it was telling her it was the only answer.

Shepard raised an eyebrow at the boy, "So now what?"

"We find a new solution." The boy looked to the beam.

"Why?" Shepard glared.

"The Crucible changed me, created new possibilities," he turned to look at Shepard, "You altered the variables. But I can't make the changes happed. If there is to be a new solution, you must act. It is now in your power to destroy us, but others will be destroyed all well. All synthetics will be targeted. The effects of the blast from the crucible will not be constrained to the Reapers. Even you your self are partly synthetic."

Shepard's heart began to race, "But the Reapers will be destroyed?"

"Yes, but the peace won't last. Your children will create synthetics and then the chaos will come back." A shiver went down Shepard's spine and she fought every impulse to not roll her eyes impishly.

"There has to be another way," the sarcasm was only just held back from her voice. Of course, there way 'another way.' It was obvious this ghost child wanted her to do everything but destroy the installation he indicated to the right of the beam that stretched between the Citadel and the precariously docked Crucible.

"There is," she could hear the bastard nearly salivate with victory in his smug tone, "You could instead use the energy of the crucible to seize control of the Reapers." He indicated the control access to the left of the beam. Flashes of foggy memory assaulted her tired brain, of the Illusive man and Anderson, of Anderson getting shot. She brought her hand up to side, her finger dipped into the wet sticky blood weeping from the wound.

"So, the Illusive Man was right after all," she didn't even bother to look up from her side. It was crap, all of it was crap. But, she heavy sighed, her brain still wasn't quite putting the pieces together. She had always been good at seeing the ambush waiting for her. At out-thinking and out-maneuvering the enemy before they even realized they were no longer one step ahead of her. Her gaze flicked up to the kids conceited face. If she had ever been caught unaware or if she found herself in something she couldn't get out of, brute force had always been a solid back up plan, but it didn't feel like either of those would work for her just yet. Her brain was struggling to much. The ringing in her ears had never stopped, and the pain, oh the pain. She and pain had been old friends since before she ever enlisted. But this, this felt life her mind was being ripped, piece by piece from her skull in agonizing slow strips of flesh. It made connecting the dots of this puzzle irritatingly difficult. She would just about have the pieces together and they would fly apart again.

"Yes," the boy smirked, "but he could never have taken control, because we already controlled him."

"But I can?" Could this entity, this reaper construct, really be trying to appeal to her vanity?

"You will die," he said nonchalantly, "you will control us, but you will lose everything you have."

Shepard arched her eyebrow contemptibly yet again, "How can I control the Reapers if I'm dead?"

"Your corporeal form will be dissolved, but your thoughts and even your memories will continue. Your connection to your kind will be lost, but you will remain aware of their existence." None of that seemed like something she or the rest of galaxy community would benefit from, what was this thing getting at?

"But the Reapers would obey me?"

"Yes, we will be yours to control and direct as you see fit." The keys to the kingdom it sounded like to Shepard.

"Hmmm," she grunted. She wasn't sure where to go from here. The only right decision was the Reapers dead, this stupid A.I. construct dead. He was the true controller of the Reapers and these endless cycles.

She wondered briefly if this was how the Illusive Man turned, with the idea of controlling the greatest weapon in the known universe dangled over his head like a carrot. This construct already controlled the Reapers, it was obviously apart of them. Why then couldn't he use that control to make changes? Why was he offering to just allow Shepard, who so obviously could never dream to be as intelligent as it, to step in and mess around with its 'solution?' That was the core problem here, there was no way that construct would ever think Shepard's human mind would be more fit that its own to control the Reapers, variables or no. It was too good to be true, especially since the damn thing wasn't willing to simply call off the Reapers itself. It required Shepard's sacrifice. Why?

She shook her head again, wiping sweat and blood off her forehead. Just when she felt like she was stringing the problem together her head went fuzzy again.

"There is another solution," the boy purred. Of course, there is, she thought to herself. It saw that the 'Control' option wasn't working. "Synthesis," the boy stated simply.

"And that is?" Shepard was losing patience with the charade.

"Add your energy to the crucible," he explained, "the chain reaction will combine all Synthetic and Organic life into a new frame work, a new DNA."

Oh yes, Shepard thought, that sounds awesome, "Explain how my energy can be added to the crucible," she didn't have enough energy left to keep the sarcasm from her voice.

"Your Organic energy, the essence of who and what you are, will be broken down and then dispersed," the child's head of swirling light nodded towards the energy beam in front of them.

"To do what exactly?" This plan sounded the worst to her, and the grossest.

"The energy of the crucible, released in this way, will alter the matrix of all Organic life in the galaxy. Organics seek perfection through technology, Synthetics seek perfection through understanding. Organics will be perfected by integrating fully with synthetic technology, Synthetics in turn will finally have full understanding of Organics. It is the ideal solution. Now that we know it is possible, it is inevitable we will reach synthesis."

"Why couldn't you do it sooner?" It didn't make sense. They have been collecting the 'essence' of Organic life for who knows how many cycles. Why had they never synthesized before?

"We have tried…a similar solution in the past, but if has always failed." Shepard eyed the child of light, it was the first time she had heard him hesitate.

"Why?"

"Because the Organics were not ready. It is not something that can be…forced," again he hesitated. "You are ready," the construct quickly moved on, "and you may choose it. Synthesis is the final evolution of all life."

Again, the words rang of hollow desperation. Plus, she mused, it had all been done before between Saren and the Illusive Man. Apparently it had all been done by the Reapers before too, in past cycles.

Now, in the final act of this dreadful war, Shepard was being asked to completely change her end goal. Destroying the Reapers had been her drive for three years. It seemed like the only true answer for the galaxy, the only one what had a future that felt real. But, she hesitated, she didn't want to die. She also didn't want to kill the Geth as collateral damage. Legion had become her friend, more than a friend, a brother-in-arms. He had sacrificed himself for his people, for their future. Shepard was more than willing to so the same for her own people, but to be willing wipe out an entire species? Especially one so new to life in peace.

"Ugh!" Her thrust her palm into her forehead as the stars around her danced and spun. Here she was, broken, bleeding, having lost so much and barely hanging on to her sanity and she was being asked to make such an important decision! She looked over to the beam, it would be so easy, she thought to herself. That choice was promised to hold life for everyone and not only a stop to the fight but a future for the Reapers and Leviathans as well. All it would cost was her life apparently. How many times had she laid in Garrus' arms whole she looked up into the stars through the window above her bed on the Normandy and thought the exact same thing? It would have been so easy to fly away with Garrus, far away to an uncharted world. To have a chance to focus on herself, on the life she wanted to live. To put down the weight of entire galaxy from her shoulders. Hadn't she earned it yet? Hadn't she earned the right to just a little bit of selfishness?

What was it she had taken with her as she charged down the hill on London? Garrus' piercing eyes as the shuttle door closed and cut them off from each other? No, she smiled, no it was his kiss. His mouth. The feeling of lightning on her tongue. She closed her eyes against the onslaught of pain and mental confusion, of the dizzying array of stars and blasts between the ship fleets. The memory cleared it all away. All the shadows and whispers between her ears disappeared. The smile stayed though.

"I just want one thing to go right…" his gravelly voice half whispered, their faces inches apart, his mouth so close and all her nerves wired, attuned to him in every sense. That was her favorite night. Sometimes first times are terrible and good only for learning how to do things better. But that night, oh that night, she thought with a purr, that night was amazing. He fit to her like a hand to a glove; he seemed to have been designed simply to bring her pleasure. Sure, he was awkward and shy at first, it was sweet and endearing, but the moment their bodies touched, he shed all hesitation.

Her eyes burst open. The pain slapped her in the face as her mind came back to her body, but she didn't care. Garrus had been the burst of mental clarity she needed. She remembered her discussion downstairs with Anderson and the Illusion Man, she remembered her emergence from the beam. Her heart ached for Anderson just a moment before she moved past it.

The child was still waiting for her decision. His smug little white eyes boring into her as if trying to read her mind. She smiled at him. It was all so simple. All his words, all his lies and behind it all there were a few truths. The Reapers were killing, they were the enemy. What ever this child was, it was working with the Reapers, therefor it was her enemy. Any option that didn't involve killing the Reapers was a distraction from her goal. The goal that Anderson died for. Nothing else mattered, not the Geth, not herself, a lump formed in her throat, not even Garrus.

She felt the pistol, firm in her grip. With a quick nod she pivoted on her heel, marching firmly while drawing her pistol and firing. It was quick and decisive, an explosion of white-hot heat, she couldn't hear the bang though. All she could hear was the same ringing in her ears as the world went white then faded to black.

Everything hurt, worse than before. Pain exploding through her head and behind her eyes. Her skin felt like it was peeled of with a very dull knife, maybe a spoon, she wondered. Her bones ached and cried out from inside her. She couldn't move, not a finger, not a toe. She felt her red hair flicker over her eyes as her eyelids twitched behind the helmet of her armor, those she could move it seemed.

"YOUR MIND WILL BE OURS!" The deep rumbled words thundered through the air and sent her aching skin shivering. She forced her eyelids to crack open, it felt like sandpaper scraping across her naked eyeballs. Her eyes refused to focus, the world was dark as fuzzy. But she saw an immense dark shape moving above her, it's red optics clearly visible despite the blur. It drew closer, down through the night sky, shaking the earth around her as it landed. Rubble shifted and fell. She could hear gun fire and the shouts of battle in the distance. The stars above what was obviously London slowly came more into focus as her eyes began to work. Part of her was flattered. Harbinger working so hard for just her. Shepard.

His ugly ass form loomed over her. She couldn't move her head even to see what he was going to do. Not that it mattered, he could squish her like a bug and there was nothing she could do. Her Armor was locked, her body broken. But her mind, she smiled, was hers.

"I made it," crackled over the radio in her ear. It worked! If her Armor still worked maybe she could use her omni-tool to get a dose or six of medi-gel. But she couldn't move! She squeezed her eyes shut, focus on the radio, she told herself.

"Hackett, I'm at the Citadel control, the arms are opening, GO!" Shepard's breath came too quickly, forcing her body to try and spasm and cough. The pain was excruciating, and tears fell down the sides of her temples. But her mind was elated. Admiral Anderson! He was alive, he reached the Citadel! More tears fell now, out of exhaustion and happiness.

"Normandy here Admiral, we're coming to get you," Her jaw became mobile as a laugh burst through her. Oh, she could care less how much that hurt, her people were fine, Anderson was with them.

"Good job Normandy," Hackett voice crackled out of the tiny speaker, "now get out of there. The Crucible is docked, we are preparing to fire." Crazed, delirious, laughter continued to rip from her broken body. Harbinger rumbled a defiant cry, launching himself into the sky yet again, leaving her. Her laughter grew louder as she tried to twitch her fingers against the armor lock. Her eyes followed Harbinger as he began to grow smaller with distance. It took every ounce of will she had to raise her hand off the ground, sweat mixed with blood fell from her temples with the tears. She got her hand up, just into view, her middle finger standing proudly alone from her fist.

Just beyond her finger the night sky lit up. The crucible had fired. The sky, white with the release of untold energy, seemed to burst open. A second, even brighter, point erupted from a further point in the sky, the Sol Relay. She felt a scream, crawling across her skin and sinking into her shattered bones. It was Harbinger, screaming in death as he fell back to Earth. She was pinned back to the ground as a sonic wave ripped across her, the pressure feeling like it would pulverize her. This just pissed her off, she wanted to peel with laughter as she watched Harbinger plummet.

The ground shook and split around her as Harbinger made impact nearby. Shit she needed to move, she thought. Then suddenly she was, head first, as the ground gave way under her.

The CIC map danced with colorful explosions in real time before the team's eyes. Traynor was furiously tapping at her console, trying to keep up with the event. "Brace your selves' people, we're about to be hit…." Jokers frantic voice cut off in a hiss of static. They had just enough time to look confusedly around the room at each other before the ship heaved them off their feet.

"Holy shit…" the explicative shot from Garrus' mouth as he reached for a bulkhead or a beam, anything to keep him steady while the ship danced and bucked around them. Little pops of crashing components rang through the room and beyond, sending sparks raining down in small showers. Then just as suddenly at it hit the ship grew still and silent, too silent. The normal hum from the engines was gone. Only the emergency running lights were left to light the room, that and small pockets of fires from where ever sparks had emanated.

Garrus was clinging to a beam feeling fresh hot blood pour out of his side. He grunted, sure that his is new stitches were torn open. He saw Traynor off to his right frantically making for her terminal again. The rest of the team seemed as reluctant as him to leave whatever safety they had found. He felt a touch and jumped as Tali shoved her Omni-tool into his aching side. He smiled in gratitude to her though as the he felt the cooling sensation of the medi-gel on his sutures.

"Shepard will kill us if we let you die from something at stupid as blood loss," he heard the smile in her voice behind her mask, but he couldn't bring himself to return it. In that simple phrase his mouth had gone dry and he swallowed compulsively. The light glowing from Tali's eyes turned sad. He never knew exactly how he knew the emotion on two pinpoints of light, but he did, it was like hearing a smile over the coms even though you couldn't see a face. Tali gripped his arm and the two leaned on each other to stand up. "Garrus we are going to find her." He nodded his head, refusing to look back up into those lights of her eyes. He felt naked and exposed without his visor and he was already showing more emotion than was comfortable for him. Besides, this wasn't the time.

"I'm back in!" Traynor shouted elatedly. The team pressed in tight around her and the only light in the room coming from her terminal.

"Guys, the Normandy is dead in the water, I've got life support and little else…" Jokers voice rang clear through the ship.

"I've got com channels back open through the radio frequencies Joker," Traynor shouted with glee.

"Well come on, what the fuck was that!" James had no patience, especially not when something knocks him on to his pretty face. Garrus half grinned, James had a slight blood trail from his nose to his chin. He didn't dislike the guy, he was just too much of a pretty-boy flirt.

"I'm getting channels from Earth and Hackett, they keep cutting in and out but…" Traynor paused pressing her ear bud tighter into her ear.

"Come on…" James began but Traynor shushed him while waving her hand frantically in his face. To the other side of him Liara twitched, trying hard to stay silent. Usually the gathering of information was her job, so this must be a difficult task to relinquish.

"We did it!" Traynor jumped up and down in glee, "Intel from Hackett says the Reapers are down, we got them!" Her pretty voice rang through the room, and the shouts of celebration followed close behind. Joker broadcast the news ship wide and you could practically feel the jubilation through out the ship. James turned to Kaiden, smashing his hand to Kaiden's in a high five. Tali turned Liara to her and embraced her forcefully. James made his way up to Traynor, gripping her from behind and swinging her around in a circle. Samara was smiling, her eyes alight. Everyone was laughing and shouting. Javik stepped back against the wall, sinking to his knees. He looked, relieved, like he could finally relax. Garrus wondered if the man had ever had a moments rest from the stress the Reapers had placed on him.

Garrus backed away from the group, limping his way up to the cock pit. Joker and EDI were frantically working on the consoles that controlled the ship. They had the radio lines open over the cockpit speakers. Shouts and celebration through one static haze and worried, tense reports coming through the next.

"Joker, what's the problem?" Garrus asked leaning over the back of his chair. Joker would frantically look to EDI every other second, like a nervous tick.

"It seems the Crucible's energy specifically targeted anything constructed with Reaper technology. Anything that was is now non-functioning," EDI's voice was calm and straight forward as ever.

"We have no weapons, no propulsion, hell I'm not even sure the toilets work anymore," Jokers voice was strained with worry.

"Everything made with Reaper tech?" Garrus asked, finally understanding Joker's worry. Garrus eyed EDI suspiciously.

"I temporarily shut down when the blast hit, but this was simply because I am tied into the ships systems. Once my A.I. core had a chance to reassemble after those systems shut down, I was once again functioning. Other than having most of my systems offline and unreachable _I_ am fine," EDI's emphasis on 'I' assuaged Garrus' worries. EDI was still EDI and Joker was simply a worried boyfriend.

Garrus took a sharp intake before shaking his head, not the time, he told himself. He can't be a worried boyfriend just yet.

"What about everyone else? The relay's? The Geth?" Garrus asked.

"Looks like that explosion was both the crucible and the Sole relay, and the activity across the galaxy was that energy exploding from all the relays," Joker told him. "We lost them all either way, the relays are gone." A shiver went down Garrus' spine, no more relays? That will set the entire galaxy back to practically the stone age!

"It seems the Quarrians are the only ones with a working fleet now," EDI picked up the questions from Joker, "They had a redundancy propulsion system online that bypassed the Mass Effect drives. It is only useful in system though, it would not be of any use for travel between systems. They are now, with the Geth as they had a similar redundancy, acting as a rescue fleet, getting everyone out of the space around Earth and on to the Planet. It is going to take some time to get everyone though."

"So, the Geth are alright?"

"Yes, like me they were non-functioning for a while after the blast, but the blast only targeted the reaper upgrades to their system. Apparently, it seems the integration Legion did, changed the programing enough that it wasn't completely obliterated by the crucibles blast. It is actually no longer Reaper code and could be considered purely 'Geth.'" EDI seemed proud of what Legion accomplished and Garrus couldn't help but feel the same about such a feat.

"What about Earth?" Garrus asked, careful to sound nonchalant. Joker turned to look up at him anyway though.

"There is not a lot coming from Earth Garrus," EDI interjected before Joker could say anything.

"There are survivors making contact though," Joker added hopeful, "the Reapers and all the Reaper forces are dead. It should be safe down there now." Garrus swallowed hard.

"She hasn't check in?" He asked, his hope dying. Joker and EDI looked to each other before Joker shook and hung his head.

The noise from the part outside grew louder. "My toothbrush!" Garrus heard Traynor whine mournfully as everyone else laughed. He gripped Joker's chair harder, he couldn't celebrate until… until she was found…or recovered. It was the not knowing that was killing him. He felt stuck, he couldn't mourn, he couldn't relax.

"Joker, pull some strings, get us on the next ship to Earth," Garrus half whispered the plea.

"Already on it buddy," Joker nodded to him. "I've got a Geth dreadnought in bound. But it's going to be a while. We probably won't get down to Earth today."

Garrus closed his eyes, did she have that long? Was she already gone? "Just get me there Joker," Joker gave him a sharp nod, "I'm going to head back down to the Doc." Garrus turned to leave.

"Garrus, you will have to use the crawl spaces, the elevator is non-functioning as well," EDI told him as he left.

"That's just great," he groaned as he rolled his eyes.

His boots hit the ground with a crunch. The Geth dreadnought had been cold and now the sun was just starting to rise, the sky bursting into warmth and fire. His gun was tight in his hands, almost to the point of shaking. This was where he had left her, left her to charge into enemy fire alone. His teeth ground, his muscled tensed in anger and self-loathing, "Fuck…" He growled.

More boots crunched into the blackened and charred soil. James, Tali, Liara. Kaiden, and Javik fell in line with Garrus. EDI and Joker had decided it was best for them to stay with the Normandy for now which was in tow behind the dreadnaught. Off to the left another shuttle, Quarrian in design, landed. Grunt, Wrex, Samara, Miranda, Kasumi, Jacob, Jack and Zaeed disembarked from the shuttle bay. All of them loaded with armor and weapons, ready for anything. Footsteps crunched again into the ground behind him and quickly drew his weapon. In his sights was none other than Aria T'Loak and behind her was Admiral Anderson.

"Get that gun off me Garrus Vakarian," Aria drawled, "you think you guys are the only ones who owe something to Shepard?" He dropped his aim, smiling.

The group came together, turning the London rubble into a search grid. They were all assigned a section of the grid, with orders to kill anything that might be hostile. The group got to work quickly following Garrus' silent lead. His eyes were searching, turning over concrete and rebar, looking for pockets where a person could survive, trapped. All their coms were open, on all frequencies. Most of the group was even shouting out her name.

Hours crawled slowly by. If she was here, he thought, if she was alive to hear us…she would have by now. All they were doing was sifting the ashes. They took a break mid-day, the others ate some rations and regrouped the sections of the grid, trying to refine the search. He didn't bother, he would personally set foot on every inch of London anyway. So, he struck back out, working in an arching pattern out from the fallen Reaper carcass.

The sun was beginning to fall. The sky was set back on fire, bright oranges and reds dancing through the atmosphere. He fell to his knees in the dirt, the hope and drive leaving him. There was no optimism left to find her alive and he wasn't sure he was strong enough to deal with finding her body. Of all the death he had seen and delivered, hers was too much.

He wasn't the fall in love type. He had always lived for the job before in C-Sec, so he hadn't had time for that kind of thing. Since meeting Shepard, it's been one vendetta or mission or world to save after another. Then there was Shepard herself. Who could even look at another female with her in your sights. It had been there ever since he had seen her mouth off to the council all those years ago. She commanded respect, authority, and power like no one else he had ever seen. And god… she was beautiful. It had never occurred to him that she was, not until after he had become Archangel, not until that evening on the Normandy. He knew he admired her, but he had never looked at any human that way before. But when she came on to him…his whole world had turned upside down. He hadn't been able get her out of his mind, couldn't stop imagining what she looked like under that armor.

At first, he felt guilty, like he was feeling something wrong. He never had that interspecies fetish. Sure, bringing her home to the family would kill his father, but he realized it wasn't about her being human. He had tried looking at other humans that way, even sought out some human pornography from the extranet. It did less than nothing for him. Then she would walk by again and, well, he was thankful he wore armor to hide his 'indecency,' as his father would have said.

She made all the vids make sense. All the poetry and romance. He understood why people would fight so hard for that dull, boring family life he had always scoffed at. That was how he got over the guilty and dirty feeling, he realized it wasn't a fetish. Again, it had nothing to do with her being human. He loved her despite that. It was simply, Shepard. He fell completely in love with that woman, her, who she is, entirely and completely.

He fell back into the ashes, his back up against a shard of broken concrete. No one was around to see him. He was alone in the graveyard of London. They hadn't found Shepard, but there was plenty of other bodies they had sifted through. The bright fiery sunset spread out before him. He could let it out, let all the anguish seep from him, but he simply hung his head instead. Nothing would come. He felt numb. He felt like the ashes around him, used and spent, with nothing left to give.

How had her last moments been spent, he wondered. Was she in pain? Was she afraid? He chuckled, Shepard? Afraid? Pissed off more likely. But…, he thought, she was just a woman. He had gotten to glimpse under the armor to see that. The soft stubble skin, those flashing green eyes that drove him wild. She had been afraid, before the fight on Earth. It hadn't been fear for her life instead it was fear that she would fail. He knew her mind had been divided. She hadn't completely herself for some time. Shepard had been fighting an inner battle, but he always hopped that if he was patient, she would let him in to help.

He reached down into the ash and dirt, scooped some into his grip and let it sift and fall back down to the ground. He had been stupid enough to allow himself to dream, that's why he lost her. He shook his head with a rueful smile. She had been soft and warm in his arms. He remembered how she shook with pleasure and moaned under him, her beauty resonating into the most beautiful song. How could he not have let him mind dream? She opened up to him, willingly and let herself be vulnerable. Her lips, the tingling sensation her mouth left on his. Her body so soft yet her will so strong. The intensity and passion she had loved him with, the fire so bright in her eyes; with all of that it would have been impossible not to love her, not to dream with her.

Now the dream, the future, the family, the happiness had gone up in smoke. He felt his cheeks grow wet and in a fit of anger he threw the dirt in his hand. Why? Why, after everything they had done? Didn't they fucking deserve what happiness they could find? They put the entire Galaxy first, saved everyone else more than once and all he wanted, all he asked for was her! Just her! Just that one fucking person!

"Vakarian!" Aria's voice rang through the rubble.

"Garrus!" Tali's voice came next.

Lighting exploded through his body. It was the cold dread of fear. He wasn't ready for this. Javik stepped out from behind the cement he had been leaning against. His face was understanding as he held his hand out to Garrus. Garrus just looked up into his cold hard eyes. Javik had been letting him wallow. He gripped the outstretched hand and hauled himself to his feet with a sharp nod to Javik. An understanding passed between the two men, both of whom had lost everything.

Aria and Tali were inside a deep crevasse just down from the fallen Reaper. The others were making their way down inside as Garrus began picking his way through to them. Aria's face was hard, she would never cry. Tali was visibly shaking. James had just reach them as Garrus was walking up, the others not far behind. Shepard's armored body was sprawled at the bottom the fissure. It looked like Aria and Tali had pulled rubble off her and piled it nearby. Her helmeted head was in the deepest part with her feet towards the top. But that wasn't the interesting thing.

"Her Armor locked after some kind of impact trauma," Tali breathed out in a shaky voice, "How she had the strength to move anything at all is beyond me."

Garrus kneeled near her head, incredulous. Her right arm was half raised, her first defiantly proud above her body, all except her middle finger which stood proud to the sky. A fitting and final "Fuck You" to the Reapers. Garrus began to chuckle.

"Garrus…" Liara gasped between sobs. Then Aria snorted. Tali began to giggle. Grunt's loud roaring belly laugh was next and was the final straw to set everyone else off. Soon they were all laughing until they cried around the body of their fallen Commander. It took several minutes before any of them could compose themselves.

"You are all terrible," Liara reprimanded, the only one to not join in, but she did smile as she walked up to Shepard's body, her omni-tool activated. She connected to her Armor and waved her arm over the corpse. Shepard's body finally relaxed, the glory of her final gesture falling into the ashes. Liara squatted and firmly placed her hand on the chest plate, "Rest my friend."

Garrus was suddenly blinking back tears of agony. He hung his head and groaned in anguish. Tali knelt next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. Everyone was silent. "This was her fight," Garrus breathed, shaking in an effort to not choke, "She finished it." He knew everyone was looking to each other, awkward and unsure of what to say. He didn't need them to say anything, Shepard didn't need it either. They had given her the best tribute possible, a final laugh with friends.

He stood and reached for her, gripping her firmly into his arms as he lifted her from London rubble. He pulled he close to his chest as he stood up, cradling her lovingly. The other parted for him, heads dipped as he carried her up and out of the crevice. At the top he stood on the ledge, the fire from the sun brilliant behind him.

"Garrus let us…" Kaiden protested behind him.

"I'm getting her out of here," Garrus didn't even turn to look at them, he didn't need their permission. Instead he trudged up to the waiting ships. Lying her down for the last time in bay of the shuttle. He pulled her N7 tags from around her neck, those were his and no one would contradict him.

"We did it, Shepard." His voice cracked, he had just a moment before the others got there to say goodbye alone. He pulled her Helmet off, terrified of what he would find, but as her head settled on to the bay floor, her red hair surrounded her beautiful face and her eyes closed, he saw there was nothing to fear. There were some cuts and scraped, but that was normal for her. Also, he saw there, at the corner of her lips, the hint of a smile. She had seen it, he realized, she had known in her final moments that she had won.

He trailed his fingers down her cold yet still soft cheek. "Don't forget," he whispered to her, "I plan to meet you at the bar. I promise I won't make you wait to awful long," He felt more tears trail his cheeks, "Don't give up on me." He let go, sobs wracking his body as he picked her back up around her shoulders and held her head into his chest. Under all the pain was a sense of relief. He found her, she was safe, and it was over. They had won. Shepard had won. But right then, in that moment, the pain was too great to feel anything behind it.

"No, no, give me a moment," He heard Tali say behind him. He didn't turn to look though, he honestly didn't care about anyone else right then.

"Garrus…" she whispered.

"Leave me!" He spat at her. Tali ignored him as he felt her hands on his shoulders. He could feel that she was knelt at his side. She stayed silent but one of her hands wrapped around to where his held tightly to Shepard's armor. She pushed her finders under his, trying to slowly lessen his grip on the corpse. What he didn't realize is she was also slowly pushing the three bodies down closer to the ground with one hand pushing on his shoulders and the other hand pulling on his hand. He began to shake as Shepard's head slowly and gently fell back to the floor of the bay.

"Shhh," Tali whispered in a calming chant, "Come Garrus, come on, Shhh, let go Garrus." Slowly he allowed Tali to remove his hands from her back as Shepard rested fully on the floor. Then Tali was pulling again, pulling him away from her. He felt her warm body beside him, and in an instant, he dove his upper body into her lap, seeking out her warmth and her comfort. A squeak erupted from Tali as his quick movement pushed her fully onto her bottom on the floor, the mountain of Garrus encircling her. His left hand gripped deeply into her suited thigh while his right fist pounded again and again into the bay floor.

He felt Tali motion to the others, then he heard them lifting Shepard. They would be putting her in a sealed medic gurney to be taken to Dr. Chakwas, then off to the Alliance. He tightened his grip on Tali, refusing to look up at the gurney. Later he would remember feeling her stiffen in pain from him, but at the time it didn't register. He was caught in his own selfish agony.

"You need…" he heard James suggest to Tali behind him. Tali's arms encircled Garrus protectively.

"No, I've got him," she told James firmly.

"She did, have me, that is. It would take years for me to figure it out of course," Garrus laughed in the warm breeze, "She wasn't as….forward, as you were."

For once he was alone there, the Shepard memorial in London usually packed with tourists was strangely empty. Shepard wasn't actually buried here, he knew. Shepard had been cremated and her Mother had her ashes in a beautiful urn aboard her latest assignment. He agreed with her, Shepard belonged in space, not in a cold hole in the ground. No, he didn't need to be where she physically to speak to her. He knew she still got the message here too.

He preferred the memorial. All the council races had come together to build the statue of Shepard, the memorial museum building and garden décor all reflecting one race after another. The statue was what he was really here for though. It was her likeness, cast in bronze. Complete with her armor and rifle in hand, her foot rested atop of her helmet and her hair was caught in the breeze. Yet, for all the that it was her face that drew him back here year after year. They had captured her completely in her defiant, fierce stare off into the London skyline. There was even that playful sparkle to her eyes. Sometimes he wondered if he came here so often so that he could never really forget her. Then a flash of a memory, her soft body sweating, her fiery hair in disarray, her eyes bright and alive, her lips….

He smiled and ginned up at the statues face again, "No, I could never forget you." He leaned, lounging on the railing. "The house on Rannoch is finally finished. Tali sends her love, she wishes she could come again but with her immunity recovery so far along, she can't leave Rannoch yet."

He picked a few more of the tiny petals off the small bunch of flowers in his hand. He brought a new kind each time he visited, to spread the petals around the statue while he talked. It gave his hands something to do. This year was a beautiful little Earthen flower call Lilacs.

"I guess…. I don't know…" he hesitated, "The real reason I can again so soon is…" He looked back up into the sky, trying hard not the let the tears that threatened fall. "I came to apologize. I know I told you it wouldn't be long," he cleared his throat, "and I meant it. I still mean it. But, for now anyway, I'm not quite done here."

He looked back down and saw the flowers were crushed in his hands. He took a deep breath and let go, letting them fall into the breeze. "I'm not letting you go," he whispered. "I just… I'm sorry I'm keeping you waiting." He looked back into those eye that thrilled him so much, "Don't give up on me."


End file.
